Railroad Job Descriptions

The Brushclump, Stumpjump & Podunk Railroad, in cooperation with the Federal Employment Commission, has issued the following job descriptions:

Yard Engineer:

A success in life.

An authority on government and finance.

Can generally spell his own name.

Has burning jealousy for road engineer's job.

Spends most of his time on the switching lead laying sand or taking slack.

Dispatcher:

A dot and dash expert wired for sound.

Is a tonnage hog and a side track expert.

Sees all, hears all, knows nothing.

Is a poor guesser.

Hobby: delaying trains.

Trainmaster:

A typewriter genius exceptionally fond of making investigations.

Is greatly impressed by his own importance.

Loves to make tests and scare students.

Chief Qualifications: Trying to learn to smoke a big cigar or pipe and look intelligent.

Crew:

Consists of one hoghead, two soreheads, one hardhead and one smart head.

You guess which is which.

Crew Caller:

An absolutely friendless individual.

Takes fiendish delight in making a duty call too short to permit eating and too long if you need sleep.

Passes the buck and sheds crocodile tears for the rawhided crews.

Roundhouse Foreman:

A weary soul who gets that way from having to listen to and put up with enginemen.

Promises everything and delivers nothing.

Road Engineer:

Always at the right spot at the right time.

Very popular with the crews; a 2nd guesser.

Smokes only atrocious cigars that smell like a burning fish market.

Head Brakeman:

A new man, does his thinking with his feet.

Target of criticism, can generally add 2+2 and run for a switch.

Conductor:

A grouchy individual entirely devoid of soul, with big head and flat feet.

Continually spellbinding rear brakemen with expert advice about women, running an engine or a farm.

Fireman:

A mental midget with a pointed head.

Has engineer for hero.

Usually found talking to greasy spoon waitress or trying to figure out his hours and mileage.

Also coaches new brakemen.

Assistant Trainmaster:

A small minded individual greatly impressed with his own small degree of authority.

Compares to shavetail 2nd Looie (Lieutenant or Lt) in military.

Lowest known life form found on railroads.

Carman:

Rolling stock repairman who is also general grunt for anything broken in yard office or roundhouse. Expert on farming and used pickup trucks.

Hostler:

Lowest ranking engineman who fuels and bends fenders on locomotives.

Important man in yard or roundhouse office because he makes coffee.

Usually found loafing in yard office or sleeping in pickup truck.

Switchman:

Hard working, often maligned soul with 2 work speeds-slow and real slow.

Is expert at scrounging, catfishing and coon hunting.

Yardmaster:

The Big Kahuna in RR yard who keeps trains out of the yard until the crew's hours of service are up so his switch engine can get 25 extra miles.

Is usually a pretty good night shift chili cook.

Road Foreman of Engines:

A 3/4 Trainmaster official who was once supposedly an engineer who certifies newly trained engineers.

Likes to nitpick employees' safety glasses and shoes instead of engineers' skills.